6-29-03

The 2003 NBA Finals between the San Antonio Spurs and the New Jersey Nets are over.
    And thank God for that.
    This is the worst Finals I've ever seen.  When the Bulls were unstoppable, and the Lakers, too, come to think of it, the crowds were still pumped to watch.
    Instead, we get two scrappy teams simply playing to outlast each other.
    It seems as if the climax for these teams happened before the Finals.  The Spurs defeated the Lakers, destroying their hopes of setting a record for four championships in a row.  New Jersey was determined to prove them getting to the finals last year wasn't a fluke.  After that, they were like, "Oh, there's another best of seven to play?"
    The Spurs annoyed me the most.  They are so good at their zone defense that it disguises how lousy and uninspired they play.  In Game 2, Jason Kidd tried to pass down the court.  David Robinson stuck out a hand and deflected the ball.  Robinson then walked after the ball to get it while Kidd kicked in his afterburners to get there first.  Kidd recovered the ball.
    The Spurs played on autopilot.  It was no surprise to me that their wild cards help secure victories.  No one plans on Steve Kerr or Bruce Bowen getting the ball, so they struggle and keep the score close.  Only when others get a chance to shine do they break out.  Then, in the next game, it's back to business as usual.  The Lakers are very good at adapting, and tried to shut down Bowen after his three-pointer outburst.  But there was no need to.  The Spurs were back to their old ways.  It's a miracle they won at all.
    The Nets are just as bad.  They had the same problem this year that I saw last year with the Lakers:  they don't know how to control the floor.  With their speed, they could have easily weaved through the Spurs zones before everyone was mentally set and scored some lay-ups, but instead, they allowed themselves to be pushed to the perimeter where everybody shoots lousy.
    One sports writer said the game was a celebration of defensive skill.  No.  There really wasn't any pressure on the players.  They just couldn't make the shots fall.  When both teams have ten turnovers each by the half and the score is only 33-30, that ain't defensive pressure.
    I firmly believe you could take Dr. J and any ABA players from those teams as they are now, retirement home or whatever, put them on the court, and they'd run rings around either team.  I just hope and pray that a real team of players makes it next year.
 
 

6-9-01

Well, it's been almost a year since I wrote anything new here.  Did you miss me?

Jason Williams is used to be one of the most fun players to watch in the NBA.  He's a white guy (trust me, there's a reason I point that out) with a stunning talent for passing the ball.  You literally never know what he will do next.  During an All Star game pitting second year players like Williams against rookies, Williams had the ball and was racing for the basket.  Another teammate was in a good position to shoot the ball, but a rookie was guarding him.  Williams went for a behind the back pass, and the rookie lined himself up, thinking it would be an easy turnover.  But just as the ball started moving behind Williams' back, he swung back his opposite elbow, knocking the ball into the hands of a teammate running up behind him, who promptly took the shot and scored two points.  Most everyone on the court, and people like me watching on TV, let our jaws drop.  What did he just do?  That was brilliant!
    Williams, however, seems to be letting his success go to his head.  During one game, a fan of apparently Asian descent was heckling him.  Understand, Williams' chief asset is his flashy passing.  His scoring is hit and miss, and he can't defend worth a crap.  The criticism he was getting was deserved.  But Williams yelled to the fan of apparently Asian decent, "I'm gonna kill you just like at Pearl Harbor.  Remember Vietnam?  That's what I'm gonna do to you!"
    Now, there are three problems with this:
    1)  That is racist.
    2)  Williams proved his history scores were on a level with his field goal percentage.
    3)  That is one of the weakest examples of trash talk ever recorded.
    As much as people like to talk about the purity of competition, let's face it, trash talk belongs.  It's teasing, it's bragging, and to be perfectly honest, it's fun.  There's a lot of funny stuff out there, which is where trash talk goes from being some asshole shooting off his mouth and into the realm of an actual art form.  It is this art form that is the lynchpin of the game of BASEketball.
    This is an effort to not only educate Mister Williams about how to properly talk trash, but to show him how good he has it.  We should all be so lucky as to only hear, "You suck!"  Trash talk is done to entertain the others in attendance and to shake the target player so he is incapable of doing his job of putting the ball in the basket.  Here's some classic trash talk lines and events.
    For starters, Williams probably never played against Duke University.  The Dukies, as they are sometimes called, are the toughest crowd.  Anyone who can play in Cameron Indoor Stadium and not get rattled doesn't belong in basketball, they belong in bomb disposal.  Bobby Knight, the coach of Indiana University's college basketball team, once had another of his childish temper tantrums and threw a chair onto the court.  In 1992 during the Final Four, the Dukies chanted "Chair!  Chair!  Chair!" at Knight.  North Carolina State is the Dukies' archenemies, and saved some vicious jabs for them, as recalled by the chant, "If you can't go to college, go to State!  If you can't go to State, go to jail!"  Jim Valvano is a good guy coach for NC State who enjoys working the crowd.  The Dukies chanted, "Sit!  Sit!  Sit!"  When he did, the Dukies chanted, "Roll over!  Roll over!  Roll over!"  When the NC State team got a backroom shoe deal, Dukies threw dozens of shoes on the court during the team's introduction.  One player that lost 30 pounds in the off-season was subjected to a shower of Twinkies, doughnuts, and other sweets.  One player was charged with stealing pizzas from a delivery man, and the Dukies showered him with empty pizza boxes.  NC State's Steve Hale had breathing problems in one game, and one half of the stadium chanted, "In-hale!" while the other chanted "Ex-hale!"  Eric Montross was State's seven foot tall center, and fell into the Dukies crosshairs.  In 1992, the Dukies printed up a phony version of the State student newspaper.  The front page had a huge empty space, with a caption reading, "This big useless white space was placed here to remind you of Eric Montross."  Nevada--Las Vegas made the 1990 Finals against the Dukies with a tough team but suspicious grades and test scores.  The Dukies' Blue Devil mascot marched around the court with a sign that said, "Welcome fellow scholars."  The Runnin' Rebs beat Duke 103-73.  Columnist Allan Malamud wrote of the Dukies in the game, "Duke couldn't even execute the high five properly."
    After Stacey King of the Chicago Bulls got only one rebound in two games, assistant coach John Bach said, "A two-year-old could get hit in the head with more rebounds than that."  Sportwriter Jack McCallum did Bach one better:  "[King] can't guard a safe when it's stationed more than five feet from the basket."
    Wayman Tinsdale of the Sacramento Kings said of the Michael Jordan Bulls, "When he's not in there, they're pretty much a joke."
    Doug Moe, a coach who faced Jordan, said, "Jordan must be a great player to win it with so many stiffs."
    The Detroit Pistons became a team known not for aggressive play but for brutish play.  Henry Schulman wrote of the Bad Boys Of Detroit, who helped turn basketball into a thug contest, "If you laid Bill Laimbeer, Dennis Rodman, and the rest of the Detroit Pistons end to end in the Mojave Desert, it would be a good idea to leave them there."  Bob Costas and Pat Riley, covering a game with the Pistons at halftime, had this exchange:
COSTAS:  Well, one look at our Cheap Shot Scoreboard shows the Pistons up 8-1.  Rodman is having a fine half with five, and Laimbeer is running second with two.  What do you think, Pat?"
RILEY:  Well, every time Chicago has the ball, five Pistons are committing fouls.  It's as if to say, "Well, the officials can only call one at a time, so we get away with four."  You know, Michael Jordan said before the game, "People want to push this kind of basketball out."  The Bulls are 24 minutes away from doing just that.
    Kurt Rambis said of Bill Laimbeer (a.k.a. The Prince Of Darkness, His Heinous, Ax Murderer, The Consumate Provacatuer), "I assume his parents like him.  But you'd have to verify that."  The legendary Sir Charles Barkley was constantly getting into scrums with Laimbeer.  Not a lot of people liked Barkley, but Utah Jazz GM Frank Layden was quoted as saying, "I would gladly chip in and pay part of his fines every time he smacks Bill Laimbeer."  Sportswriter Tim Sullivan, writing about the NBA moving the Finals to pay-per-view, "The NBA Finals is worth about $10 per game unless it involves Michael Jordan ($20) or Bill Laimbeer ($2)."  Jan Hubbard wrote of him, "Detroit center Bill Laimbeer was considering seeking an injuction against the Olympic selection process because he was deprived of a chance to make the team.  Laimbeer said that as a tax-paying citizen, he should have had the opportunity to try out for the team.  It would have been great if he could have tried out for the team, because then he would have been excluded on merit rather than logic."
    Bob Bellotti said of poor defending Charles Jones, "He ought to have a road sign that says THIS LANE OPEN tacked to his jersey."
    Close to the end of a Finals game against the Utah Jazz, the Bulls fouled Karl "The Mailman" Malone, sending him to the free throw line for two points.  If he made one basket, the score would be tied and, with the clock winding down, send the game into overtime.  If he made both, the Jazz would be in the lead and could possibly win it.  The game was being played on a Sunday night.  As the different Bulls and Jazz players took their places along the key, Scottie Pippen said to Karl Malone as he passed him, "The Mailman doesn't deliver on Sundays."  Malone clanked both shots and the Bulls won.
    When Tom Tolbert of the Golden State Warriors got a new haircut, George Shirk said, "It looks like a bobcat is perched on his head."
    Arkansas coach Nolan Richardson watched Anfernee Hardaway and said, "If you took Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan, and rolled them all together, that's the way I see Hardaway."  At which point, Tony Kornheiser said, "Nolan, here's cab fare.  Go to an ophthamologist."
    The Miami Heat were once referred to as the Miami Sleet because their shooting was ice cold.  After one game where they blew a big lead against the Celtics, center John Salley said, "We played like a bunch of college girls."  A Celtic responded, "I guess John hasn't been watching TV lately.  He's not half as good as some of those college girls."
    Sir Charles Barkley gives as good as he gets.  Because his weight shoots up and down so much, he was called a variety of names when he neared his Auburn college weight of 330 pounds.  His accepted nickname is the Round Mound Of Rebound, but he's also been called Love Boat, Porky Pig On A Trampoline, Food World, Runaway Bread Truck, Fatboy, Crisco Kid, Amana, Doughboy, Boy Gorge, Goodtime Blimp, Tons Of Fun, and the Leaning Tower Of Pizza.  That last one is because his favorite food is pizza.  In fact, at least once, the opposing team had a pizza delivered to him when he was sitting on the bench.  One guy he jawed with was Oliver Miller, whose weight hit 335 pounds as was called Cheeseburger, Porky, Whale, and the Big O.  When Miller said Sir Charles set a bad example on the court, Barkley fired back, "You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim unless they put a Big Mac on it."  Barkley once said he would like to play football when he retired from basketball, and his teammate Rick Mahorn said, "With that head of yours, all you'll need is a chin strap."  A fan once yelled at Sir Charles, "You're never going to get a championship ring!  Never!"  Barkley responded, "I have $20 million, so I can afford to buy one."
    Refs get into the act, too.  Golden State Warriors team doctor Robert Albo lit into NBA ref Joey Crawford during a game, saying the guy was doing a terrible job calling the game.  This wasn't a one time thing either, he kept it up throughout the game until Crawford turned to him and said, "Hey, doc!  At least I don't bury my mistakes!"  That shut him up.
    When Danny Ainge was playing for Sacramento, he injured his back.  Dick Motta commented, "Ainge hurt his back picking up a suitcase.  It must have had his contract in it."
    During the 1990 NBA Finals between the Detroit Pistons and the Portland Trailblazers, the Detroit News wrote, "Portland's image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Bud Clark, a tavern owner who posed as a flasher in a promotion for the local arts community a few years back.  The poster showed Mr. Clark, back to the camera, raincoat wide open, flashing a sculpture above the slogan, 'Expose Yourself To Art.'"  The Portland Oregonian responded, "Detroit's image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Coleman Young, who recently won reelection after losing a paternity suit.  When Detroit exposes itself, it's not to art."
    Jan Hubbard wrote, "The Mavericks' Rolando Blackman scored more than the entire Knicks backcourt last week, and he was out injured."
    When a jump ball was called between 5'3" Muggsy Bogues and 5'10" Michael Adams, broadcaster Dan Issel said, "This will be the first time in the history of the league that the referee drops the ball."
    A fan once said, "The Portland Trailblazers couldn't pass the SAT if they all got together and combined their scores."
    When Danny Ainge, then of the Trailblazers, played a game where they slammed the Los Angeles Lakers, Ainger said to the LA bench, "I hope we see you whores back up here next week."
    Rick Mahorn once grabbed a extra-large Hefty garbage bag, waved it at teammate Darryl Dawkins, and said, "Hey, Dawkins!  I found your mama's underpants!"
    During a game, Gary Payton told Michael Jordan, "Hey, Michael!  I've got my millions and I'm buying my Ferraris and Testarossas, too!"  Jordan replied, "No problem.  I get them for free."
    When Magic Johnson tried coming back to basketball after being diagnosed with AIDS, A.C. Green of Magic's Lakers team didn't think he deserved to be there.  "He's got to prove he can beat me in practice first."  This remarkable arrogance was trounced by Bruce Jenkins saying that asking Magic to prove himself to a basketball pushover like Green is "like telling General MacArthur:  'Forget about the Philippines thing.  We want to see you take Fresno.'"
    Terry Boers wrote, "Insiders claim that Arizona coach Lute Olson has made no friends in the Pac-10.  Knowing Olson, that's not really a surprise."
    Rotisserie League Basketball is a bunch of really funny guys.  Here's who they have written about and what they wrote.
Craig Hodges--"He proved he can bury the three with the best by making 19 straight at the All Star Game's three-point shooting contest.  Now if the NBA would just get rid of those defensive players."
Patrick Ewing and his 1990-1 season--"Ewing did more bitching than Leona Helmsley, demanded more money than Ivana Trump, and was as effective a leader as David Dinkins."
Danny Ainge--"He is still a fine white whine, but no longer improving with age."
Mookie Blaylock--"Mookie Brainlock."
Danny Ferry, a.k.a. The Great White Hype--"We were misquoted.  We never said he'd be the second coming of Magic Johnson.  We said he would be the second coming of Lady Bird Johnson and, given his performance, we feel vindicated."
Mark Jackson--"Inaction Jackson was suspended for two games last season after declaring that the game wasn't fun anymore.  He should see it from where we sit."
Gerald Wilkins--"Upon kissing the tarmac on U.S. soil, American POWs told harrowing tales of how their Iraqi captors, in violation of the Geneva convention, forced them to watch films of Wilkins leading the Knick fast break."
Mike Gminski--"Alas for Gminski, the ball rarely goes inski."
Joe Kleine--"A rabid fan of The Andy Griffith Show, he looks like Otis, rebounds like Aunt Bee, spends more time sitting on his butt than Floyd the Barber, and like Barney, is not allowed to shoot."
Dan Schayes--"The good news--he has finally begun to play like Dolph.  The bad news--Dolph is 63 years old."
Michael Adams, who spent a lot of time on the Disabled List--"The Michael Adams doll--pull his string, he pulls his hamstrings."
Jon Koncak--"Never one to run his mouth or feign injury, Koncak simply goes out and gets you 4 points and 4 rebounds every single night."
Byron Scott--"Like the absorbent paper towel for which he's named, this Scott is starting to suck."
Joe Wolf--"Last year we told you that Wolf, a native of Kohler, Wisconsin, the Urinal Capital Of The World, had trouble spraying his shots.  This year, we regret to inform you that dribbling is also a problem for Joe."
Jerry Reynolds--"Orlando hosts the Ice Follies every time Jerry Reynolds throws up a shot."
Scott Roth--"He broke his nose for the ninth time last season.  Alas, his shot is no straighter than his septum."
Reggie Theus--"He doesn't really guard people at all, does he?  Why is he called a guard?  Shouldn't there be another name for him?"
Karl Malone, also called "The Mailman", and Joe Barry Carroll, also called "Joe Barely Cares" because of his unenthusiastic play--"[Carroll] is the real Mailman:  He's slow, doesn't deliver, and is surrounded by dogs."
Charles Smith--"There is no truth to the rumor that Smith had kidney stones last season, and still didn't want to pass."
Kenny Walker--"In case you missed the episode of Unsolved Mysteries that was devoted to the subject, scientists now believe that Walker's head is not sporting a hairdo at all;  instead, they theorize, the Walkman is wearing a bishop's mitre, made from human hair."

    Williams, get some class, go to some classes, and get a grip.  If someone with a legitimate complaint about your play infuriates you that much, you are pretty much screwed later in your career.
 

10-27-00

Shame on the US Olympic basketball team.
    It has done two things that embarass me.  1)  It approached the games with such arrogance that it was painful to watch.  2)  It has made me respect Jason Kidd.
    I've always regarded Jason Kidd as a punk.  Never really liked him.  But he had a shining moment of lucidity that has made me respect him.  He pointed out that they were playing horribly and losing would have been a humilation to America.
    Well, Mister Kidd, I agree with that and will treat you to a beer if we ever wind up in the same bar.  I know Charles Barkley said they were there to win and not be socialable when he was on the original 1992 Dream Team, but come on.
    It really says something when everybody participates in the Olympic Village except the basketball teams, who need entire floors for their handlers, entourage, agents, hangers-on, and wardrobes that require more money than the economies of many of the countries participating in the games.  (This also includes the womens' team, that demanded fancy hotel digs since the mens' team got it and fair is fair.)  The womens' team at least produced and played well--or at least as well as the overcoached style of the WNBA would allow.  But for a convivial game like basketball, created for those who weren't muscle heads, the behavior of the American team was not only an insult to country, not only to the Olympics, but the spirits of basketball and competition themselves.
    This is the reason I never got into football--too many players backed by a sense of entitlement rather than determination to earn their rewards.  There's a huge difference between confidence in yourself to the point of being a bit cocky and acting like everyone should offer burnt sacrifices to you for gracing the world your presence.  But that's the way they acted.
    Any student of martial arts, even casual, will tell you that that is all the opening you need, and teams pressed their advantage.  Both Croatia and France came within a gnat's ass of beating the Americans.  Somehow, however, the players blame the media for being down on them and weakening them mentally.
    I'm looking forward to the next Olympics.  The NBA players need to be taken down a few pegs.  On second thought, never mind.  Arrogance will only make them think the refs werer biased or something.  Shame on them.
 

9-10-00

Well, this year ought to be interesting in the NBA.
    Last year, the West was where all the excitement was.  San Antonio, Portland, L.A., Phoenix, everybody was gunning for the title.
    In the East, it was boring.
    Now, however, there have been several trades that make the NBA look like a game of musical chairs.  There has been so much movement that, until the first few games of the season...and I shudder to think this....
    It could be anybody's game.
    Of course, there's the juggernaut called the Lakers to worry about.  But the swaps are interesting, to say the least.  Naturally, there are some teams that stand no chance (like the local Chicago Bulls), but anyone with competency stands a chance.  This could be the most exciting season since Jordan left.

Ah, yes, the Bulls.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
    Jerries Riensdorf and Krause might as well call themselves Ozymondias (you remember the poem about, "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!"  Don't worry, Chicagoans were despairing long ago).  Admittedly, I'm not much of a Phil Jackson fan, mainly because I kept feeling like he was manipulating me.  But no Jackson, no Michael Jordan, and he was what made the team great.
    Unfortunately, Jerry Squared started to believe its own press releases, with the bullshit that "organizations win championships."  Krause couldn't wait to put his fishing buddy Tim Floyd in the coaching spot.  He dragged his feet resigning Jackson, making the man appear to age faster than Jeff Van Gundy.  Finally, Jackson decided he'd had enough, and couldn't even stand Krause through a lockout shortened season, thanks to Krause install Floyd supporters around the locker room.
    No Jackson, no Jordan.  Turns out, no Pippen, Kerr, Longley, or most of the other players, except Toni Kukoc.  But this was all a plan, you see.  Krause was going to intentionally tank the lockout shortened season (even though the nucleus without Jordan might have conceivably won the title) and the season thereafter to build up salary cap room.  Tim Duncan and Grant Hill would be free agents.  There were also several others, like Kobe Bryant.  And during last year's playoffs, when Tracy McGrady became a force on the court, he would also be a free agent.  Krause told people there was enough room to sign two of the big names, and glory days would return to Chicago basketball.
    To which, everyone outside Chicago said, What are you, nuts?
    First, Bryant signed an extention with the Lakers.  That's one gone.  Three left.
    The Orlando Magic pulled out all the stops to win over Grant Hill.  Two gone.  Two left.
    Tim Duncan opted to stay in San Antonio.  It was them or the Magic.  Three gone.  One left.
    Tracy McGrady, after enjoying a week in Chicago on the Bulls tab, went to the Magic.
    Four batters, four outs.
    Being snubbed by them was bad enough.  These are marquee players who concluded that Chicago has zero chance to get to the playoffs, let alone the finals.  A couple of columnists in Chicago called Hill and company wimps for not wanting to step up and lead the team.  Like not wanting to captain a sinking ship is a bad thing.  Not only that, but Krause and Riensdorf made it clear who was in charge and they would take out whoever didn't toe their line.  Boy, some people are just so lazy, huh?
    Trying to get some egg off his face, Krause targeted several second-tier free agents, like Eddie Jones.  There were four potential targets.
    Three signed elsewhere, with Jones and him mom actually praying to Jesus that he wouldn't have to go to Chicago.  Bad sign.
    But we got Ron Mercer.  Reserve Grant Park for that victory celebration now.
    Krause's plan never had a chance to begin with, thanks to ego problems.  Until the Chicago Skyline, the ABA team, starts playing, there is no basketball joy in Chicago.
    It's long and cold.  But it's also just what Jerry Squared deserves.
 

5-29-00

I'm not even bothering with guessing the NBA Finals this year.  Since I don't delete the previous postings, you can see how accurate I was.  What's scary is, the coin flip had a 100% accuracy, while my deductions didn't come close.
    Besides, the Finals are really boring.  The closest thing to excitement was the Knicks/Heat series, and that was just to see who was going to be the bigger screwball, not actual basketball.  I love it when the teams complain about getting robbed by the officials.  Hey, guys, listen up:  if the refs called all the fouls like you insist, half your teams would be ejected before the first quarter was over.
    But I am not going to talk about the sorry state of the finals.  I want to talk about a sad, sad tale that couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.  I'm talking, of course, about Jeff Van Gundy, coach of the Knicks, and his Toyota Civic.
    It has to be the strangest vehicular damage report police ever responded to, even in New York.  After the Knicks got home by jet on May 19, their cars were brought onto the tarmac so the players and staff could head home.  That also went for Van Gundy's 1995 Honda Civic, which he bought when he was an assistant under nemesis Pat Riley.  But before anyone had a chance to get in their vehicles, the chartered jet turned to move down the runway.  That was when the jet's discharge caught Van Gundy's car and sent it airborne.  The Civic didn't even  get clearance for take-off, but what do you expect?  It's New York.
    The Civic sailed through the air and smashed into guard Allan Houston's 1997 Mercedes, assistant coach Brendan Malone's 1999 Lincoln, and the team media relations director's car, which is not one of the more dignified ways to lose a vehicle.  "Yeah, this Honda Civic came out of nowhere, and trashed my Mercedes!"  Van Gundy had to get a ride from another team employee to the Knicks' practice facility, where he slept in his office.  Man, what does that say about the team?  "A lift home?  Sorry, coach, not heading that way.  The practice facility?  Not there, either.  But I'll see you tomorrow during drills, okay?"
    The FAA is conducting an investigation as we speak, but they can probably phone the investigation in.  But Van Gundy wound up defeating Riley, so he's probably not losing much sleep over it.
 

4-21-00

Yeah, yeah, the finals are beginning this weekend.  Sure.  But I don't want to start off talking about that.  I want to talk about one of my favorite players leaving the game.
    Sir Charles Barkley has played in the NBA for 16 years.  I never grew tired of him.  Confrontational, controversial, but never dull, and never a phony.  The league has lost a lot of personality with his departure.  As we look to the future, filled with angry lugs who defile a game of skill by turning into a contest of strength, whose off-the-court behavior is rarely reviled as long as they win those games, the sport of beauty is in danger, with its only hope the other leagues springing up, such as the ABA2000.
    To commemorate the depature of Charles Barkley, The Round Mound Of Rebound, I would like to share some of my favorite quotes from him.  I collected them, and felt grateful when "The Wit And Wisdom Of Charles Barkley" was released.  Sure, I shook my head when he said he was misquoted in his autobiography (in case you're reading this, Mr. Barkley, repeat after me--"typo, typo, typo...."), but that was part and parcel with him.  He never threw the first punch, and always came out, if not on top, then better than if he had just let things roll over him.  A lot of this is from that book, and some from "Talkin' Trash" by Kevin Nelson, some from the paper, but all came from The Mouth That Roared.

"I don't think there's any doubt.  Anybody in their right mind knows I'm the best forward in basketball.  Well, the only person comparable to me is Karl Malone, but his body is so different from mine.  Even my wife loves his body, and that's the main reason I say I'm the best.  With a body like that, he is supposed to be awesome.  With a body like mine, I'm supposed to be a couch potato."

On losing weight:  "I cut down to six meals a day."

When the Philadelphia 76ers got new uniforms:  "They look like my daughter got ahold of some crayons and designed them."

"You can't compare preseason to regular season.  Preseason is just a way to screw fans out of money."

In 1991, he summed up the Indiana Pacers like so:  "They could be scary if they ever learn how to play basketball, which they haven't yet."

"If I weren't earning more than $3 million a year to dunk a basketball, most people on the street would run in the other direction if they saw me coming."

Regarding Alvin Robertson of the Bucks:  "Referees let him get away with more hand-checking than a prostitute."

"These guys who have three or four babies by different women should have their balls cut off."

Summing up management for the Philadelphia 76ers:  "We can't have beer in the locker rooms.  I can't have a beer after I run up and down the court for two hours, but they're going to serve it to the guy who's got a wife and two kids to drive home.  That is so gutless.  They're only concerned about making money."

When the 76ers were on a losing streak:  "Where's teh strike when you really need it?"

"Mark Jackson says he loves his fiancee so much he would give up basketball for her.  Not me.  I love my wife but she can't pay the bills like this NBA money can.  I'd have to pick John Nash (general manager at the time of the 76ers, Barkley's then-team) over her."

During the 1992 Olympics in Spain:  "I really miss America.  I miss hearing if anybody's shot somebody lately."

Also at that time, "Christian (Laettner) is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys."

"New York is my kind of town, because I have a gun."

Fan in the stands:  "You're never going to get a championship ring--never!"
Sir Charles:  "That's okay, I have $20 million, so I can afford to buy one."

After fighting with Bill Laimbeer and getting suspended, costing him $22,000 in fines and $31,700 in pay for not playing:  "I don't care if I get fined.  I make $3 million.  What's a couple of thousand dollars?"

After a Phoenix exhibition game in Europe, he was asked which players impressed him:  "No. 5, No. 11, No. 14."

After a six-game road trip that took eleven days:  "You pay as much for a house as I did, you might as well spend time in it."

Farewell, Charles.  Us real fans will always remember you.

As I mentioned above, I am not really looking forward to this year's finals.  The Spurs are still doing their ball-passing shtick, and, of course, you have Jason Williams on Sacramento, the closest thing to the old ABA there is right now.  First rounds coming up, here's my views:

L.A. Lakers vs. Sacramento Kings:  A few years ago, the Kings were a joke on par with the L.A. Clippers.  My, how things change, huh?  I was chatting with a few guys on-line after the last Bulls title, and they said the Magic will win a title before the Bulls get another.  When I mentioned the Kings, he said the Kings would beat them both.  I don't think he knew how right he was.
    Sacramento says they match up well against Utah, so that loss puts them in the sites of the Lakers.  In the four games they played in the regular season, the Lakers won three of them by 1 point, 7 points, and 3 points.  Sacramento has a chance, but they are ultimately road kill.  The last playoff series the Kings played, against Utah, illustrated why:  the Kings repeated had Karl Malone and company on the ropes, but they just couldn't put them away.  The Kings don't have the "killer instinct" that Utah has, and that the Lakers have.  Maybe next year, with some more work.  Still, this will be one of the more entertaining match-ups.

Utah Jazz vs. Seattle SuperSonics:  the Sonics might have a chance, if their leads fight the Jazz the way they fought each other.  Still, the Sonics struggle.  Big time.  The Jazz are in a rut, no real changes from the Bulls runs.  Utah should have this one, but it may take 4 or 5 games.

Portland Trailblazers vs. Minnesota Timberwolves:  Let's see...the Wolves have Kevin Garnett.  Portland has six players brought in from Atlanta for one J.R. Rider, so they don't have to get used to each others' rhythms, they know it already.  Plus, there is a fellow named Scottie Pippen there.
    I admit I feel a bit smug that my prediction at the start of the season that "Pippen will fold under pressure" came true.  I've never liked Pippen.  Still, the TWolves are not exactly pressure.  Unless they face San Antonio or a lower team in the next round, Pippen's team will know pressure when they go up against the Jazz or (more likely) the Lakers.  But until then, the team will hold up.  The Wolves won't make it, and will make it three years in a row for first-round exits.

San Antonio Spurs vs. Phoenix Suns:  Welcome to the first series played on hospital gurneys.
    The Spurs are weak against quick, uptempo teams.  They may be without Tim Duncan until at least the second round, but the Suns are minus Jason Kidd AND Tom Gugliotta.  This tandem wreaked havoc, and without them, the Spurs should have no problem duplicating their history of David Robinson leading them past the first round.  After that?  Well, let's see how they play, and then we'll see how they stack up against who is left.

Indiana Pacers vs. Milwaukee Bucks:  some nutjob is trying to make a bet with me.  I think the Bucks will be swept in the first round, he says the Pacers will lose at least one.  He has a point:  Indiana does get bored easily, and when their concentration is gone, they are roadkill.  Not only that, but Reggie Miller (who was second only to Dennis Rodman for flying into the stands with no one around him to draw a foul) is already saying the refs are biased against "small market" teams.  Looking for excuses already?  And the playoffs haven't even started yet?  Yikes.
    Still, as for the series, this is a case of the Pacers (the deepest bench in the league) and the Bucks (no bench whatsoever in George Karl's second year).  The Pacers will win, it's just a question of how many they drop first.

Miami Heat vs. Detroit Pistons:  I remember the Bad Boys of Detroit, and it's too bad they aren't around for Pat Riley.  I don't like him.  I don't like wrestling, but I love the series between New York and Miami.  It's always who is going to be the bigger screwball.  Forget the score, how many judges' decisions were there?
    This one is too close to call.  Detroit, led by Grant Hill (be smart, buddy, don't come to Chicago) has a "never say die" mentality that can carry them through.  Miami, though, melted down against #8 seed New York last year.  Riley is trying to create a similar team that he did in New York, but with Alonzo Mourning as the centerpiece instead of Patrick Ewing.  It ain't the same.  Plus, the team is already dragging.  Too close to call, but I'm leaning towards Detroit.

New York Knicks vs. Toronto Raptors:  Don't believe the hype.  Even with "Air Canada", the Raptors have been flaming out lately, and New York has that motivation of "so close last year."  Knicks got it.

Charlotte Hornets vs. Philadelphia 76ers:  Probably the least interesting series here.  So I flip the Michael Jordan collectors coin that came with my copy of "Space Jam" and call, heads, Hornets, tails, 76ers.
    It came up tails.
 

4-12-00

The playoffs are will be here in more or less a week in the NBA, the time when everything comes together.
    Strangely, several Chicago Bulls figure to be there, just not together.  Steve Kerr may be of the injured list and provide some extra firepower for the San Antonio Spurs (GO SPURS!!!...sorry, couldn't help myself).  Scottie Pippen (who I never really liked, more next time when the finals teams are determined) will be trying to anchor the Portland Trailblazers.  Phil Jackson and the Lakers are such a forgone conclusion that no one in the news mentions them much anymore.  The big story last week was Jazz vs. Trailblazers for "the second best record in the Western Conference."  In fact, most of the players will be involved in some capacity, even Michael Jordan, the Phantom Of Washington, D.C.  I'm sure they'll run at least one long distance phone commercial.  There will be one notable absence, though.
    Dennis Rodman.
    Rodman's career seems to be effectively over.  When an employer lets you be the biggest stooge on the planet regardless of the effect on team morale this may have and you blow THAT, you might as well buy yourself the gold watch you will only get from them if they can shoot it at you.
    Meanwhile, Phil Jackson, who said he understood Rodman and his needs, is making another yawner run for a title.
    As I worked around the warehouse, bantering with other basketball fans and trying to avoid talk of joining a pool, a thought struck me.  Did Phil Jackson help Rodman fall?
    Understand, I never liked Rodman.  When he first signed with the Bulls, I thought everyone had finally lost it.  Rodman, to me, was never anything more than a punk.  Those rebounding titles meant nothing because, when I observed Rodman, he let defense slip so the opponent would take a shot.  Then he would go for the rebound.  Every shot taken was a chance to score a basket.  Brian Williams, who replaced Rodman during one of his "episodes", was much more solid on defense.  He didn't get as many rebounds, but the opponent didn't get as many chances, and Williams could actually score.  He also played, while sometimes Rodman stood on the court just watching the action.  It was four on five, with a person who couldn't find the stands.
    Rodman started acting up.  Didn't want to show up for practice, didn't do this, didn't do that.  As much as I hate Pat Riley, I couldn't image him putting up with that.  Shaq may be strong, but when Riley gets mad, the adrenaline rush alone might be enough for him to knock you into the nosebleed seats.  (Simillar thoughts went through my mind when Latrell Spreewell choked his coach, P.J. Carlisimo.)  But Jackson played along.  Let Rodman get...soft.  Undisciplined.
    And it's as effective as a time-delay bomb.  After being used to doing his thing without consideration of others, Rodman can't quite get back in the box.  The Lakers tried it, and when Rodman whined he was late to practice because he couldn't find his shoes, they gave him the gate.  He also pushed the Dallas Mavericks too far, and actually gave the team a worse record with him than without.  The new owner's idea to put people in the stands doesn't show he has limits, though.  Remember, there are plenty of Playboy Playmates who might be talked into cheerleading.
    I don't feel sorry for Rodman.  But it's more of a refusal to feel sorry for him.  In the back of my mind, once in a while, the thought of what might have happened if Jackson had buckled down on him makes me wonder if he'd still be doing his thing today.  And seeing Jackson's smiling face, for a fleeting moment, makes me wonder.
 

4-8-00

Here's a thought that I just gotta state:
    If Miami and New York play each other in the playoffs again, the stats should include minutes, field goal percentage, free throw percentage, and TKO's.
 

4-7-00

Is it just me, or is the NBA missing something this year?
    I was one of those people who hated to see Michael Jordan go, and not just because he was great to watch.  He was the man to beat.  So every team tried their damndest to beat him.  You brought your best game, or you were gone.
    This year, the excitement isn't what it used to be.  It's not just the sparse crowds, tired of paying good money just to park, let alone get a nosebleed seat.  The teams don't seem to have that spark.  I'm not one of those who sees Vince Carter or Kobe Bryant as the next Jordan.  Jordan inspires others.  These to seem to inspire talk.  That and commercials.  You know it's bad when you look to the Rockford Lightning in the CBA for more excitement than the local NBA team, the Chicago Bulls.
    I catch my eye wandering over to the upcoming ABA 2000.  Chicago will be getting a team, tentatively called the Chicago Skyline.  Having heard about two of the rule changes, I'm looking forward to this as a return to the fun, excitement, and spontinaety I enjoyed so much.  At the moment, the only alternative is the side-show entertainment of the WNBA.  And it is a side-show.  At least the ABL had the guts to run a full season during the NBA, not tiptoe around their schedule.
    I'm also, on principal, looking forward to the CPBL, the Collegiate Professional Basketball League.  From what I've read, it is trying to attract college age talent.  But in addition to pay, it is also offering college scholarships because--let's face it--not everybody gets to be a basketball player, let alone a basketball star.  Last I heard, they had a deal with the PAX TV network to broadcast the games.  The names of the teams are actually sponsorships--a company puts up money, and the team is named after them.  I think Chicago has one of those teams, too, but I haven't heard anything new in a while.  While the corporate tie-ins do bug me, their hearts seem to be in the right place, and I wish them well.
    The finals are coming up in the NBA, and the teams I'm pulling for (the Spurs and the Magic) seem to be doing fine, although the former could certainly do better.
    Here's to future days.

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