So you want to play a real game?  Something where people of any skill are on the same level?  Some place were hot shots and show-offs are automatically the worst players?  Something you can, as inventor David Zucker put it, "play with a beer in your hand?"  Well, look no further.  The game of BASEketball is here, a game that truly tests your mettle and ability to adjust to stimuli.

This is not just a (to me) very funny movie, it is an actual game.  It was created at a family picnic by former MAD magazine writer and filmmaker David Zucker (Airplane!, The Naked Gun, and other very very funny movies).  He had a basketball hoop over his garage and noticed that, aside from Horse, there weren't many games the non-athletes from the party could play.  Eventually, he came up with the rough outline for BASEketball, a hybrid of basketball and baseball.  All he had was the offensive part, though.  When he noticed how long people were taking with their turn on offense and how bored the other players were waiting for their turns, he added the defensive element, the psyche-out.  And the rest is history.
 
 

Please notice that all these distances can be adjusted depending on the skill level, age, discretion, whatever of the players.  After all, this is about having fun, not overregulating.  House rules are encouraged.

The court has a total of twelve spaces on it, nine of them in three rows of three.  The spaces in each row should be (but don't have to be) equidistant from the basket.  The first row is the standard distance of the free throw line from the basket.  The second set is the distance from the top of the key.  The third row is equidistant from the three-point line (assuming the three point line doesn't cross the top of the key like in the current NBA).  There is a space at half-court, dead center in front of the basket.  The other two spots are at the end of the court on either side of the basket, just a short distance away.  They are relatively close.

Before I forget, you will definitely need some kind of referee or authority figure.  Trust me.  The ref's equipment does not have to include a whistle, but he will need nine objects for marking the squares.  Pot holders are traditionally used.
 
 

The game usually lasts seven innings (although nine is also common), with a halftime.  It lasts as long as has been agreed.  In the event of a tie, extra innings are played.

There are two teams, traditionally with three players on each.

For the team on offense, after the order of players is determined, a player chooses a square.  The squares from the free throw line are singles, from the top of the key is a double, the three point line is a triple, and half-court is a home run.  Any players on base advance the corresponding number of bases, so if a player is on second and a player hits a single, the runner on second advances to third.  If they make the basket, they get whatever.  The two closest squares on either side of the basket are bunts.  They don't put any runners on base, but advance any runners ahead one base.  If they miss any shot, it's one out.  The player does not have to dribble the ball or run with it, they can just stand there and shoot, but they cannot pass over the line.  If they do, it's an automatic out or some lesser shot as long as it is still available (house rules vary here).  Three outs, the teams change sides.  You don't have to run the bases, walking is fine, and you are only there as long as you aren't needed.  If you come up to "bat" again while on base, you can shoot and everyone just remembers your position and advances you accordingly.  If a single, double, or triple is made, that square shot from is marked with a pot holder and cannot be shot from again for the rest of that half of the inning.  The bunts and the home run are never marked when used;  they can be shot from as often as desired.  It is advised to agree on some way to determine when a player is fooling with the ball and when they are actually shooting for the basket.  A shot clock is useful here.

For the team on defense, two players (usually rotating the line-up) are on the court.  The principal weapon is the psyche-out, a diversionary tactic to break the shooter's concentration and make him miss.  There are two different rules governing this, one saying that defensive players cannot go past the free-throw line (the singles squares) and another saying they can go wherever they want on the court.  No matter what, direct physical contact is forbidden, but anything else is fair game.  They can swear, they can insult you, they can make bad jokes, they can flash you (which actually happened to me once), they can spit water, they can do whatever they want without touching the shooter to make him miss his shot.  They can only throw down a psyche-out before the shot is made--once the shooter is in motion, if defense hasn't started yet, it can't until the play is complete.  It is advised to keep this relatively straight-up;  after all, if you spit on the opponent, nothing says he won't suddenly decide to do the same thing to you when he or she is on defense themselves.  The game can and does deteriorate quickly at that point.  The general rule of thumb in the games I've played is:  if it's funny, you're not in trouble.

When the player shoots the ball and it hits the backboard without going in the basket, the ball is technically still in play.  If either of the defenders tip the ball in at this point, it counts as a double play, assuming there is at least one runner on base at the time (in which case, the one furthest along is out).  The defenders have to be in the air for the tip-in to count (a simple jump or bounce up will do, but this can be changed if desired.  It is mainly to keep them moving, not standing in one place to size up an unfair shot), and only two chances to get the ball in, one for each defender.  If each defender misses, any two offensive players can try to tip the ball in for a "conversion", whatever shot they were attempting counted as successful.  Once again, they must be in the air when they try, and they only have two chances, one for each player.  If they miss their two opportunities, it's then a free-for-all, with whoever gets the shot in getting the results, a double-play or conversion.  Note that the ball has to touch the backboard with each shot for it to remain in play.  If the ball touches house, the ground, or any player catches it and doesn't release it before landing on the ground, it is just a simple one-out play.
 
 

I have played this game with considerable fun (I can shoot singles, some doubles, beyond that, I suck).  Here are some variations on the rules my pals and I play with.

For starters, teams are allowed more than three players, but only three of them can be active at any time.  Substitutions can be made at any point.  Once a substitution is made, that player has to stay in for three outs on each side (roughly one full inning) before he or she can be swapped out.  They take over for the player substituted, so if that player is to pass on his turn on defense due to rotation, so does the substitute.  Substitutions are limitless as long as the above remains in effect.

Props for the psyche-outs are allowed, so if you think, say, playing a song the shooter hates will work, you can bring a radio out with you.  Notice you are responsible for your own junk.  If it breaks, it's your own damn fault.

Fouls can be awarded if the psyche-out is deemed by the ref as inappropriate.  If it is something that isn't trying to be funny, just flat out rotten, the ref will issue the foul.  How many fouls before a certain action is taken (ejection, automatically awarding whatever shot was about to be attempted, removing a pot holder to open up a previously used shot) should be determined before hand.

If playing on public land in a public park, public decency rules apply.  If you moon someone and you get in trouble with the law, don't expect your pals to bail you out, you should have thought of that before.  Of course, on private property, anything at the discretion of the property owner goes.

The first house rule I created:  no assholes allowed, period.  If you are deemed to be wrong for the game and impunging on everyone else's fun, you will be ejected and not allowed to play again.  This is supposed to be enjoyable, so keep it that way, or deal with it.
 
 

As you may have noticed, there is no section in The Sporting News showing BASEketball scores, teams, and leagues (if any are out there).  So here's the deal:  if you have a regular BASEketball game going with teams, final scores, number of innings, and any extra information (number of psyche-outs, substitutions, etc.), send them to me and I will post them here for the world to see and keep track of.  Playoff information and match-ups will also be allowed.  Please notice this is at my discretion.  If I feel someone is just making a cheap ploy, I won't post it.  This is my site, after all.
 

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